Quiet things no one ever knew♥

Bullying, it can be in many forms

Thursday, July 04, 2013 @ 10:52 PM | 1 individual(s)

People tend to ask me why I am the way I am, and usually I tend to shrug it off and smile because in my head all I could think of was “Where do I begin”

Lets begin with early childhood, I was never the girl who was able to quite fit in, I never understood why, but I did not heed too much attention to it. Things didn’t aggravate further until I got into secondary school. I remember vividly I was in secondary 1 when all the vicious rumors about me had started, mainly by a young boy who displayed interest in me but I turned down in a very tactful manner I would say. But somehow the perverted rumor which was pretty impossible to be true managed to spread like wildfire in school. At every turn I’d find groups of people chattering as I walk by and it didn’t just stop at that, I’d find crude remarks about me drawn on the tables in school, and writings about me in personal blogs all of which described me as being shameless and describing me to be one with “no pride” As a 13 year old girl, I was wide eyed and excited to embark in a whole new world and ready to embrace new friendships, but clearly friendly faces weren’t trustworthy, the spoke to me only for “new information” apparently. The secondary school that I was in was a small one, word goes around very quickly and I would eventually get to know the sources of where all the information was coming from. When the headmistress picked me out during assembly and questioned the validity of the rumor itself, I felt it was my last straw. I did not understand how shallow one could be to believe in it at all but most of all, I could not believe how cruel a person can be to tarnish my reputation, when I was afterall just another girl who wanted to create memories in secondary school. Being a firm believer of standing up for whats right, I approached the Headmaster and the school counsellor to speak of my woes. I felt reassured when they told me that they would do their own investigations which led to a public apology from the boy who started the rumor to begin with. Things seemed to mellow over after the apology,i even had genuinely nice people who came up to me and apologized for believing in it in the first place. I was convinced things would change and as for myself, I became closer to a group of guy friends instead, one of the reasons being the fact that I grew up having 2 brothers at home and that somehow makes me more comfortable speaking to guys and afterall, ¾ of the girlfriends I made in school turned out to be vicious and ruthless and would spare no thought in taking pleasure to bring me down. But I wasn’t one to be vindictive, I grew learning to trust again, which at 16 felt like a mistake. I grew closer to a handful of girls, classmates specifically, but there was 1 particular girl who I felt was the meanest of them all. It amazes me how quickly everyone worshipped her despite her character, I didn’t care much for it, in fact I constantly ended having silly arguments with her because I did not have any tolerance for her behaviour until there was a day that I accidently left my wallet under my table and left for another class, and when I came to realize this I quickly rushed back only to find $70 over missing from my wallet, at that point of time I was in complete fear as the money belongs to my parents and they would expect me to give them back their change. And there they were, my so called friends and the “mean” girl herself still in class. I asked them if they knew who took my money and they claimed they didn’t and even displayed their best “shocked” expression as though they were completely clueless. They even offered to “lend” me my OWN money which I was gullible enough to accept as at that very moment, all I felt was fear. When I got home my parents were really kind enough to understand the situation and my father told me to pay back the money that I “owed” my friends immediately. It wasn’t till I was having my o levels that 1 of the girls confessed everything to me, the information the girls have been spreading about me, the money the stole from my wallet. I was in complete disbelief clearly. It scarred me horribly and I wasn’t able to be trusting of new company and the people that I meet because I was and still am so afraid.

Because I didn’t have as much friends as a healthy teenager would, my attention shifted on developing BGRs, only to get myself involved in an abusive relationship. Abusive relationships does not necessarily have to be physical, it can be (emotional, phsychological, verbal) The implications that emotional abuse can have in a person is far more devastating as it can affect both physically and mentally, and needless to say I was very much affected. I grew to believe that the person was my pillar, and what happens when the pillar crumbles- I crumble even harder. It is important for us to recognize the characteristics

Threatening to leave
Smashing things
Controlling you through minimizing, denying and blaming
Making light of the abuse and not taking your concerns about it seriously
Continually criticizing you, calling you names, shouting at you
Emotionally degrading you in private, but acting charming in public
Humiliating you in private or public
Withholding approval, appreciation or affection as punishment

To have to go through all these definitely isn’t a joke, imagine the potential inflictions it could have on a person especially on their mental health. For a moment I grew into hating myself very much. What was worst was when the person takes pleasure in belittling me, making me feel insignificant and worthless and wanting me to believe that I was a horrible person and I will never ever be loved again. Little did I understand that somehow by making me feel smaller about myself, he felt bigger, like he was righteous. That isn’t right.

Love isn’t always beautiful, it has it’s struggles, but a couple should constantly work together to make it right and not against one another, afterall, both parties have the same goal- to have a prosperous relationship. Never allow yourself to be degraded because each of us are unique individuals who deserve to be loved, cherished, respected and honoured. As individuals, it is alright to want to be a better version of ourselves for the people we love but make sure it benefits you in your character, never ever change for someone blindly., and in return be with someone who appreciates you, your flaws and your strengths, and loves you wholeheartedly.

Do I regret going through what I have went through? No I don’t. Our experiences mould us into the people we become and I am pleased with the person that I have grown to be. I believe that it has made me stronger, it has made me learn to love without conditions, it made me into someone who cares for the people around me and want to handle them with care. It has made me want to grow to be a better individual. However I am not going to be a hypocrite, for every good there is a fair share of bad, it’s a natural balance in life. I grew into being someone who is always doubtful, so afraid to trust, and always a safe distance when I meet new people all due to fear.

It might not always be always rainbows and butterflies but acceptance is key. To be able to accept that as much as you can’t change the situation around you, you can definitely change your perspectives.

This is not a post for self pity, this is a post that could hopefully inspire to stop bullying as a whole. I do not harbor any hatred for the people who have brought pain to me because I know people do grow up or at least are capable of change.It really was very hard for me to pen my thoughts into words, especially when i did not enjoy the memories one bit, but i want people who are going through what i am to know that i understand how painful it must be and for them to know that they are not alone, they have a friend in me who wants to help, who wants to reassure that IT WILL GET BETTER. Always believe that you are never given more than you could handle,overcoming the setback will only make you a better SO MUCH MORE STRONGER person.

We are the new generation of leaders who will be able to swerve and inspire young minds to embrace change,positivity and to always have love in their hearts. Imagine a much respectable future ahead where our children do not have to worry about fitting in but being able to appreciate themselves as unique individuals. I yearn for that, do you?