Losing my late brother was really the hardest event and the greatest ordeal for the family to go through. This has always been a sensitive subject for me to ever discuss as a part of me felt that i  do not owe anyone a story out of it, However when i find many questions and untrue statements surfacing on my formspring i decided it's time i speak up.

My siblings mean the world to me, growing up i was often triumphant over the fact that i have such protective siblings, they care and love me unconditionally. Growing up i faced many setbacks and they would fight my battles for me. An incident i would never forget was when i was harassed by a stranger right outside my own home and my siblings and father dashed out of the house immediately upon hearing my screams. Matter of fact my late brother even jumped out of his bedroom window as it was the nearest exit to the door. Now that is the kind of love i have been brought up with. The crazy unconditional kind, the kind where we would fight to protect each other without having second thoughts. And when very cruel untrue stories surfaced about me, it was my late brother who did his very best to make sure my name was in the clear. And the best part, he did it discreetly, i only found out much later, from his friend. I was in awe by his selfless nature.

Everyone would have their childhood memories held so closely to their hearts, and my childhood consisted of my late brother. I was 5 when i moved into my current neighborhood. At that point i really did not have anyone to play at the playground with, unless my cousin comes over. I would follow my late brother everywhere he went, that includes meeting his friends for a game of "rounders" or to the "Tamiya Track" where i would carry his box of tools for him. To make me feel included, my mother and him even bought me my very own Tamiya, which i remember was the black spider. Im pretty sure any little boy could relate with my childhood. I even ran out of the house to follow him play "Ali pom" when my mother was halfway feeding me lunch only to be dragged back by her who right at that point was chasing after me with the plate of rice still in her hand haha, that was how much i wanted to always be included in his life. I grew up playing wrestling, where i would willingly volunteer myself to have the moves tested on, my favorite was the "chokeslam" he would carry me so high up and then playfully throw me down the bed. He would give me a lift on his black haro bike and make me sit in the middle of the handlebar, which i find to be so thrilling. I know it must have been so annoying for him to have to bring me along with him all the time, but he never complained. That is one thing i admire so much about him, is that he is so patient.

Growing up i always felt like my brothers were the coolest people around. I would want to listen to the music they were listening to, play the same games they did on "sega" and afterwards "playstation" I would want to carry the same brand of haversacks to school as they did. I remember feeling very jealous as a little girl when i sent my late brother to his first day back to secondary school and seeing him talk to another girl, because i felt like i should be the only other girl he talks to.

Our relationship was built humor, witty comments, jokes be it a tease or merciless. We fought hard, like any other sibling would, but the love we had was even stronger. We grew up learning to give in, in fact he gave in a lot to me, because i was the only girl in the family. He could have resented me for it, but he did not. He loved me. He made it his mission to watch over me.

Our last holiday today is still carved so dearly to me in my heart. Hot tears are welling in my eyes as i am reminiscing our times together right now. The bond we siblings had were so strong, that when my parents looked at us, they knew we will do okay. On the streets of London we roamed, me and my late brother and eldest brother were up to our usual antics of making fun of our mother in the name of fun and throwing remarks just to annoy her and coming up with inside jokes. We had so much fun during this trip and bonded like never before, none of us knowing that this would be our last holiday together as a complete family.

Day after day, i find myself missing my late brother even more. I lost my late brother due to an accident at his workplace. It took me weeks to register that the tragic event did take place. In my mind i was hoping it was just a very very bad dream that i have not woken up from. I was devastated at one point, and confused the other. I miss having him walk into my room with his usual "HARLOW SHA. DAH MAKAN?" or teasing him for his vanity. I miss having him getting all excited telling me about a new song he discovered, or seeing him in the living room watching a soccer match. I miss hearing people telling me how nice it was to be in the company of my late brother. Beneath his quiet demeanor, he was a very funny man, a man full of wisdom, humor, and most of all heart. A man loved by so many, that we received hundreds and hundreds of people who grieved the loss of this very wonderful man.

In me i hold so much regret, of not spending enough time with him, for all the silly bickering which could have been quality conversations.

As a family, we are coping well in the situation, we believe that Allah must have loved him more and with that comes acceptance.